The Three Little Pigs
by The Wallflower
Summary: The three little pigs take on the Romanticsm genre of 20th century modern American literature with a little gratuitous sex thrown in for good measure


The Three Little Pigs

**THE THREE LITTLE PIGS  
**  
It was a dark and stormy night. The great pig king of the animal kingdom had three sons and one day he said to them, "You have each ruled like a true monarch, taking the money from your subjects and using it for your own purposes and claiming that your right to rule is because you were appointed by God. I am proud of you. It is time for you to go into the world on your own and rule by yourselves. Build your palaces strong so that no commoners will be able to penetrate your defenses."

And so the three kings went out into the world to conquer their lands. The first didn't want to take the time to build a good palace. He wanted to collect taxes and torture prisoners and so he built his palace only made out of stucco. The second pig didn't like to work either so he built a wooden palace. It was sturdier than the second pig's but it still had weak points. The third pig wanted a palace that was worthy of such a noble ruler as himself. He had his servants and slaves construct a palace made from the finest gold. It shimmered like water and was brilliant as the shining sun. 

After the three pigs had established their rule over the land with an iron hoof. The people grew restless under their strict laws, but they lacked a leader - they needed someone to guide them to their goal of a fair and just government.

That someone was the wolf; amongst a sea of anarchy he rose above the crowd to be heard and he organized the people to become a full revolutionary army.   
First he went to the first pig's castle which was made of stucco. As the wolf approached he saw the pig peek out from behind the window, looking frightened. This increased the wolf's confidence and he said, "You have ruled our lands too long."

And the pig said "I'll not surrender, your armies aren't strong."

"Then we'll smash and trash and throooooow you out." And the wolf pulled out a hammer and chisel as the first pig was still gathering his armies. The wolf inserted the chisel into a crack in the wall and pounded. The crack spread through the castle and collapsed it. Seeing he was beaten, the pig quickly retreated to the palace of the second pig who had the wooden citadel.

A cheer rose form the crowd as the castle crumbled into dust. 

"Well done my brothers, but our fight is not over yet. We will not rest until the last pig lies as a main course on our plates." The feeling of power he had as his men celebrated his victory overwhelmed the wolf. He now knew he had a force to be reckoned with and that made him feel on top of the world, like nothing could stop him. 

"Onward, men," he commanded, "To our next victory." 

Quickly the wolf's revolutionaries set up in front of the wooden palace and said, "Your monarchy is at an end."

"Not on your life, my lupine friend," came the reply.

"Then we'll break and shake and throooooow you out," And the wolf set a torch to the fortress, causing it to flame up, creating a mighty explosion. The pigs ran off to the third pig's palace with their curly tails between their legs.

The wolf stood their and laughed at the pigs as they ran. He called to his followers and they sauntered over to the last palace. 

As the wolf arrived at the golden palace he yelled to the pigs, "I'm going to serve you all as bacon."

The third pig yelled, "Go ahead, I'm ripe for the takin'," he was confident about the work he had put into making his palace. 

"Then I'll deploy and destroy and throooooow you out," The wolf turned to his men and told them to prepare the cannons, but one of his assistants said they had no cannons, or guns, or weapons of any kind. 

"Well, what do we have?" the wolf asked.  
"Well, we do have a hair dryer, sir," the assistant replied.

"It will do. No doubt this pig made his palace so flimsily the gold will melt at the mere push of the on button," So the wolf pulled out the hairdryer and shot it at the palace and after twenty hours of holding it up to the castle, it was very dry, but still standing.

So the wolf held a meeting of all his troops to reform their plan of attack. "Gentlemen," he started, "Our thrust is to poke holes in the stiff front erected by the pigs. Therefore, I will penetrate deep into the heart of the lower gates and tear apart their defenses, Then you will blow through the crevice I've created until their down and vulnerable. We've got to come together on this one. It'll be hard on us, but we can't lick it by being soft."

The inspirational speech drew a cheer from the crowd, "Rest assured, I will return, I am the leader. I will not let you down," The wolf put on his black commando suit and climbed into the palace, as he dropped behind the gates he found himself face to face with the three pigs standing over him. The wolf simply looked at them stupidly.

"You're not going anywhere, wolf boy," the third pig said and the trio each pulled out a knife and stabbed the wolf repeatedly. As the blades dug deep into his flesh, sending white hot searing pain into him, the wolf realized the foolishness and overconfidence of his actions.

Without a leader, the mob dispersed and went back to their provincial lives. The three pigs realized that they were wrong in their absolute style of rule, always taking and never giving, and being selfish. So the three changed their ways and the government became more benevolent and they lived happily ever after.


End file.
